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eigengrau

And that, my loves, is why we can't have nice things.

Hang your head. We'll do it together. Baby, I'll even go first.

the mouth is the origin of catastrophe

hey wassup livejournal. I'm actually phasing out this username. Just naturally sorta. All snakelike. BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME

more about me:

I just wanna type out some stuff that irks me so I know to grow over it. woobeans? coo'beans.

stuff I don't like in fanfiction/writing/generally fanfiction because I read a lot of it and the original stuff I do read is more refined (hopefully since I pay money for dese books)
  • Out of character characters. (I know, herp the derp, but yeah)
  • gender roles (a woman being a housewife is not a bad thing but it's also not the only thing)
  • forced drama (and when she was a kid she was raped oh and so was he and he tries to do it to her and so does this other guy to the first guy...)
  • maria susmariosep
  • mario stupido
  • lovey dovey love doves
  • perfecto people (given that I'm reading a lot of fallout stuff... srs guise, bombed world, hard livin')
  • I want to play Old World Blues already holy shit
  • evil characters who are just hey yeah let's kill shit I'm so edgy
  • good characters who are perfect angels with perfect angel super powers (I am alright with perfect angels sans powers and bad things happen to them but you keep rooting for em oh man Umino please win please please please)
  • not enough cameos (which goes to show this is a personal preference list and not an academic thesis on the failings of fanfiction)
  • pairing everyone up/main focus is on finding a partner (and boy does this go for life too)
  • trying to make a list then immediately forgetting all the shit you wanted to list
Good enough I guess. PEACE OUT SUCKAS

sleep tight; dream loose

What is my problem? I am mildly unhappy and I don't know why. I am unsatisfied. I want more and when I get more I want more than that. I don't like this. I don't like being tired like this, not again. I left this behind. How did I get back here? How did I let myself go back?

I used to get four hours of sleep and perversely, was happy. I think maybe because those four hours felt let too much time to spend unconscious. Now I spend days as a zombie.

I need to clamber out of this apathy. I need to scream again.

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our endless days are numbered

God, the world's so ugly. It's ugly in faces and talk and lies and ugly in all those intimate little nooks and crannies I'd always figured would be beautiful. I haven't even been slighted personally. It's this dereliction and loss that sickens me, how these bright and sunny afternoons were poisoned with what spilled from your lips (or onto them). Every time it happens these pills we call other people get that much harder to swallow.

Futures change. The only future worth mourning is the opportunity for one. The past remains, tinted by whatever leaks out from those breathy veins. The past remains, and you can mourn the sadness you felt then, you can mourn the happiness felt no longer, you can mourn the ruin that has become of your green fields and picturesque breezes. (Honestly? Mourn whatever the fuck you want. Why are you listening to me?)

The world is beautiful. There's beauty in faces and talk and lies and intimate little nooks and crannies that I'd always figured would be ugly. Beauty is in dereliction and loss, light and poison, blood and guts and sweat and tears. Beauty is in ruin. It's all relative; the filter that is you decides. You decide.

Right now I decide that it's all shit. It used to be nice and now it ain't. Shit.

I was just learning, you know? Finally got comfortable. Finally had faith.

I wish there was some hill or cliff I could just sit on and... sit on. I just want to go on a bus for an hour, get off, and sit on cold cement against a cold wall, and stare at the snow. No, it wouldn't solve any problems. I just want to do it and breathe.

It's like, come on, guys, don't you breathe anymore?

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November 25, 2010

For the record:

(actually it's november 29th but this feels more fitting lol. the next post would be more prudent to read first for max heart impact)

Thank you for making it water under the bridge instead of dirt under a rug. You've exceeded my expectations and my faith in you is greater than before. I understand what I hadn't, and believe in more than I thought. Thank you for that.

November 24, 2010

I cut off a friend around two years ago. I disagreed with her on a point that wasn't personal to either of us, my sister vocalised her own belief (which was the same as mine), and then this person, without naming names, was disparaging on Facebook. Ohh, Facebook, big deal, right? She even deleted it after.

The point is that I saw it. The statement was rude, disrespectful, shortsighted... it was bitching. Target specified only to herself. Talking in that vague way one does when they want to broadcast their thoughts without the hassle of retaliation. It was basically yelling "You're idiots!" to the world hoping it would fall on the proper ears and then pretending it never happened. You can't take words back. Just because an 'x' appears next to them doesn't mean that they cease to exist. They happened. You said it. Any fool, any blubbering child can click an 'x'. It takes no skill, no maturity, no courage. There is no character in erasing. The most difficult of actions in life is dealing with things, not sweeping them under the carpet but acknowledging them, understanding them, and building upon them for a taller self, a greater you. Anybody can sob in the vast anonymity of the internet, play the victim and paint themselves without flaw in the face of millions of digital non-entities.

In the end, it doesn't matter what they think. It matters what you think. It matters that you find all sides of the story, as sitting safe and cosy in the pages of your own book produces nothing but the same prose, weary and dry from overuse. It matters that you think. Think.

It is very hypocritical of me to administer an admonishment of your actions in the same manner as those very actions I oppose. I don't claim to be flawless, I'm not saying I've never done the same. I have. I don't anymore, I've grown out of it. All I want is to talk. All too often talk becomes violent. So. How is this, a silent message on the internet, any better than what I've been decrying? You told me, recently, that you read my livejournal sometimes; that is what I'm banking on. Maybe by the time you read this will be water under the bridge (or dirt under that stupid, heavy rug). I will make it clear: right now, I am offended by the assumptions you've made of me. (Ironically I have assumed those assumptions were of me; if I am mistaken this won't make sense to you. Or it might and you'll think me a bitch. I believe this is a small risk. In any case, even if I'm wrong... I'm writing this for myself as much as it is for you.)

Again, I am offended by the assumptions you've made of me and how you, upset with me, did not confront me. We're supposed to be friends. Friendship to me is believing the best of each other and having faith that those beliefs are not misplaced. My knee-jerk reaction to annoying actions may be hateful, but I honestly do tell myself they wouldn't be like that. I force that faith into beating back my misgivings. When I do not receive the same courtesy, it hurts. I don't deserve that. (But a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt.)

I'm upset and offended that you think that I am demanding, that my invitation was an order of any sort. Do you know what my plan for today was? I was going to go to school, present the presentation I spent hours alone and with my group on, pay attention to my second class, then skip the third class I wasn't at all prepared for to head to UofM for the first time in a while, to do the winter wonderland exploring I've yearned for. You know what I realized in this process? I was lonely. I didn't want to go home alone, unmotivated, almost all assignments completed and nothing inspiring to look forward to. I wanted to take advantage of this empty day and spend it with friends who I'm never really sure when I'll see next.

So I contacted friends. I met with friends. I extended a hand out to friends should they wish to join us. I never expected anything other than a reply, a yes or no. I understand the stress and quicktime of student life. I am also bothered by spur of the minute plans. I also understand the liberation of spontenaity; I know the importance of priority; I know how to say no. Never saying no, always pleasing people and then bemoaning your resentment of them, whinging about how much you went through for them; this does not make you a nice person; it makes you weak.

Everyone had a choice today. Everyone always has a choice. Making a choice other than the one you should is no one`s fault but your own.

I asked friends questions. Friends gave me answers. If you wanted to leave, it was your choice to do so; I'll speak for nobody else, but I would've understood. I wouldn't have been angry or annoyed; it was neither my place to judge nor a place to judge at all. If you wanted something like compensation for resources, I would have gladly obliged had I known it was needed. I understand that, too.

I didn't ask anybody for a ride, for a sacrifice of time, for a derailing of their lives. I asked only for their company for a few, and if that wasn't possible I understood. And now, I don't ask for pity, and certainly not your forgiveness as I don't believe myself to have done anything that needs forgiving. I ask only your understanding.

I cut that girl off. I didn't write her any sort of letter. I never acknowledged her, because I felt that she, with her immature actions and disrespect, was beneath my notice. What does that say about this? What does that say about me typing this to you? I have faith in you as my friend to read this all and while, yes, I am upset, understand that I am not vicious or attacking. I am telling you the truth as I know it. Interpretation is really up to you... the thing with talk is that it's never really what's said that's important, but how it's heard.

I have faith in you, but I admit it is waning. You're more important to me than that silly girl and her sillier words. That said, challenge me, and I won't concede. My focus in life is on growing, and peace doesn't contribute to growth; chaos and change do. Relationships of any sort need to overcome difficulties to overcome themselves.

I'm posting this without saying your name or pointing to your face, and I'm doing this because it's not my responsibility to make you air your grievances. If you don't want to say anything to me personally, fine. I'm not here to hold your hand, I'm here to be your friend. All I can do is say my part.

I won't delete this.

keep me closer

I'm trying but I can't really remember a time I felt you guys were interested. A time I wasn't seeking your validation. Aren't I supposed to be over this? Better than this? Grown up, up, and outta here? I think, maybe it's the longevity-- but, no, because this was how the first measures played out: we talked. I liked that we talked. I wanted us to keep talking. I wanted that to be mutual. I wanted you to validate me with your reciprocated interest and enjoyment. It can't have gone on this long one-sided, that's too heavy. Why, then, is it dragging me down now? It's that whole giving-the-wrong-damn thing, isn't it? I should be happy the damn is given at all, but a happiness of settling is cheap.

All I want is to sit and stare at the sky. Look at things. Breathe life in. I'm tired of talk, because it's just pushing and shoving and selfish shovelling. I just want to stand around at night, and if the person I'm with makes an observation, that's cool. I'll make one, too. We'll share anecdotes -- no pretenses, no politics, just people. I just want to matter for myself and not my height to other selves. I'll be me and you'll be you and we won't mess with that because nobdy ever leaves someone else without a piece of them, ever, and that's great. How does the Gestalt Prayer go again?

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believe in everything about this moment

I'm closing my eyes and breathing deep and pushing and pushing and then I'm looking around and wondering why everything's so far away. I'm an idiot. It's late, I feel like I'm chasing Zen. I feel like I'm ready. I feel like I'm waiting, always. And I feel wanting, and I don't want it to be particular but it is and it's grinding away and I really want to get it out but that won't fix it, it never does. Is it 'cause I'm always holding back? This shit needs to stop. Maybe. No, it needs to evolve. There's no forward if it's only a grave I'm digging. The world is flying past. You are flying past. I don't want to hold any of these hands, man.

the urge hums

The baaad thing about drawing so much joy from one thing is that it can hurt you back. Then where do you go, punk?

I'm tired, man. I don't know why, but I am. I don't feel like doing anything. I'm tired of people expecting things from me all the time-- and it's not like, school and stuff, it's just... life. Expectations. Living up to shit. I feel like I have to do and do and do. I'm not even doing. And I feel like... well, yes, people give a damn. Many people give many damns. It just doesn't feel like the right damn.

Maybe it's me?

(Of course it is)

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if you think of someone, they will feel it

Things That Are Nice And That I Like Having In My Life:
  • Cuddling with my mom
  • How there's always a space for me next to her on the bed
  • Kissing my parents good night
  • Laughing with my sister
  • Having those maaaad deep conversations with my sister
  • Laughing with my sister during those conversations
  • My dad
  • My dad being awesome
  • My dad teaching me stuff
  • A close friend when I thought friends were only friends
  • Further appreciation for that friendship knowing it will change significantly in the near future
  • Faith in that person because I'm not afraid we'll grow apart because we da fucken best
  • I'm da fokken best
  • FRIENDS
  • That awesome chill mellow free love vibe I get from all the cool people from my grad class
  • Hearing about everyone's dreams and ambitions and how they don't want to suck
  • Motivation not to suck
  • Actually doing the assigned reading
  • Being so happy to have a life where people don't love and leave like in the previously mentioned assigned reading
  • KENDOOOOO
  • getting over sick
  • Time
  • Self-defense mechanisms (mostly mental, they make me mental)
  • New Vegas coming out soon
  • HELL YEAH I READ THE BOOK, TAKE THAT, ENGLISH
  • Tiny responses from him
  • Those momens where I don't care about him
  • The ones where he makes me care
  • OH GO AWAY
  • A mug of cold water
  • A clean room
  • A tablet
  • Two bathrooms in the house woooo
  • Actually wanting to make this list
There's tons more but I'm ok now. I was ok before, too

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